take two.

I went on the second date tonight since the breakup. She's a very nice girl, but managed to take karate for a few years without discovering that it's Japanese in origin, so...maybe not the most curious or knowledge-oriented of people. Of course it was apparent within fifteen minutes of conversation, and she wasn't into me either--this is why people invented speed dating--but it's sort of ceremonial that you spend the full forty-five minutes, even when you're sitting there bathing in the realization that there is not a snowball's chance in hell that you would choose to spend a lot of time with this person.

The unexpected side effect of these dates has been to remind me of how fantastic the women are that I have had relationships with, and sort of leaves me scratching my head about why I broke up with the last one. It seemed like the thing to do at the time, and maybe it was, but she is really remarkable, and liked me a lot, so I'm not sure what went wrong that I felt compelled to end it, except that the relationship end of my personality is fairly fractured (I add more epoxy every year!). Maybe sometimes two wonderful people just don't work out together; or maybe it's just my personal breakage biting me again (I know that, for example, I often did not give her full credit for being the amazing person she is, which is a habit I have). Even if there's a chance I could do some groveling and try to start it up again, I'm not certain that's what I'd want, which means it wouldn't be fair to either of us to try.

I'm not sure I like this directionless feeling. Maybe it's just because I'm turning 30 next month, but more than ever I feel like my life isn't really going anywhere: it's just about learning to travel, and not about where I end up. Which is fine, in its way, but doesn't leave anything tangible behind, and most of the time I can't even begin to assess the intangibles. Faith is not my strong suit. I make good brownies and truly outstanding roast pork. But faith? Not so much.

I'm getting some really impressively noticeable gray hair in my beard and forelock. I'm starting to look grizzled.