Eating properly and going to aikido on Tuesday brought me back to center a bit. And I remembered (in a way that I had forgotten) that I can work to be more open to the world, and it'll be okay, I won't catch on fire.
Or, if I do, I'll know I tried.
I had lunch today with my best friend from college. I mentioned that a mutual friend, K, is leaving for Thailand tomorrow.
"Oh, I haven't seen her in a while. What's in Thailand?"Followed by an amusing back-and-forth where I insisted I was being reasonable and he said that he knew the answer he was going to get as soon as he asked the question, and it wasn't a useful answer. (I insisted it wasn't a useful question, and he muttered something about "intent" or "meaning". It's hard to tell with these people.)
"Thai people. And Thai food. And Thai...things. Buildings."
"Have I told you recently that I don't like you very much?"
Tonight, walking around waiting for the train downtown, I think I may have glimpsed a...headspace? way of being? A version of me where long-term relationships might work, and something like the kind of person I'd need to be with; maybe more specifically, what I'd need from that connection. It's a lot of work, regardless, but I don't have anything else planned for the rest of my life, so why not?