wheeeeee mood swings.

Actually this is more complex than mood swings. This is one of the phases that inevitably comes around whenever I try dating. Really. Every time, in one form or another. In relationships where the other person and I don't actually like each other so much, I've historically gotten it out of the way right at the beginning, ending the relationship fairly quickly. The other times, and it's arguable whether this is better or worse for one person or another, it's this stupid panic/freaking out/whatever thing, where I shut down and withdraw and most of the time get mad that I'm shutting down and withdrawing, and it never occurs to me until it's too late to say something sensible like "Look, I need to slow down and step back and take some time away from you", because, well, that wouldn't exactly be panicky and freaking-out, would it?

I'm angry that I am this way, and years of hammering away to shape who I am has mostly gained me the ability to just have a conversation (sort of) about what's going on with me--not to prevent it, or understand it, or really even to get out of it, which just happens in its own sweet fucking time when I focus on each passing moment. This might lead one to think that were I to focus on each passing moment more consistently, I wouldn't get the moodiness; alas, not really. Once again, like I'm reading from a script, I think about how to ditch my life and start over, or how much nicer it would be if I could just be normal and married some nice girl from Ohio that I met in college, moved to suburban Atlanta with a billion other people my age, found some steady job and bought a nice little starter home with a picket fence and a puppy and thoughts about starting a family. That's not really me, though--I'm not at all sure it's anyone. I mean, certainly there are plenty of folks who fit that profile, but that kind of linearity doesn't exactly run in my family.

The really discouraging thing about episodes like this, aside from the person(s) I love and care about who always get dented and bruised by my mental state, is the feeling that I never really learn anything, and the fear that this is just going to continue for the rest of my life. Which it might, of course, but that's not really the point.

At least there's aikido, where I can throw punches at my friends with energy if not malice, and know that even if they don't get out of the way in time, (a) they won't be seriously hurt, and (b) they won't be angry. (I do the same, of course, and I would never throw a high-speed punch at anyone who couldn't handle it.) And, tonight, lots of awkward, hard falls, which hurt, but had a nice cleansing effect.

Well, whatever. Life continues, going forward is the only option, and I am who I am and the sooner I accept it, the happier and calmer we'll all be.

Dammit, now I want a donut.