This evening, I articulated to myself something important about my job, which is that it's pretty much intellectually void. There is no interesting technical conversation, because it's just me and my boss, none of the problems are difficult, and we have problem-solving conversations for about 20 minutes every two or three weeks. I'd never given it much thought, but that exchange of ideas represents much of what I loved about college, and what I love about my friends. Challenge.
I kicked myself to aikido tonight, and it was fun. It's exactly what I need to stop being so moody. As an added twist, I'm seeing my competitive streak re-emerge as someone I've been even with passes me in rank, since I'm not testing until September. There's no mystery to this: I haven't been training much, and I decided a few months ago that I wasn't prepared to train at the frequency needed to have enough training days to test in June. And yet, I want the respect of my peers that comes, not from being good, although that's certainly something, but mainly from training a lot. That movement can only come from within.
I met this new girl a couple of weeks ago. She's pretty cool, but getting to know each other seems to be progressing at a glacial pace, even by my current standards of being cautious and measured and not jumping anywhere too far, too fast. My impatience amuses me, and gives me an interesting mirror to look in: why is this so important to me? I discover that yes, I seem to like spending time with her, but I have a desire for distraction as well, wanting something more engaging and challenging than watching TV or even making jewelry. I'd still like things to be somewhat less glacial, but I have to be aware of everything going on inside me, or doom will be the result.
I've discovered the concept of "quirkyalone", which I'm not sure I find to be a really useful label, because I don't think it should be a label: I think it's how people should have healthy relationships. It boils down to: be single rather than being in an unhappy or mediocre relationship, or compromising yourself to keep a relationship going. After my last (quite satisfying and healthy) relationship, it seems obvious to me that I have wasted a lot of time and energy, and hurt not a few feelings, by being in pointless relationships just for their own sake, and not because the relationship was really the right thing for all involved. If it's a relationship I can take or leave one way or another, I hope I could find other outlets for that energy. To me this is just being strong in yourself and honest with you and everyone else about who you are and what you want; I think that we should all be like this, all the time, and I think calling it something like "quirkyalone" may de facto marginalize it.
But, things Are.