I've been remembering this recently, as I'm noticing my relationships more, seeing how deep and how special they are--how elemental. If I think back, I knew when we met. The connection, if not the nature of it, is instantaneous. Friends? Lovers? Who knows. We spend our lifetimes exploring each other, but we were friends before we met.
Someone once told me that there are people you're friends with, and then there are people you're friends with because you're in high school. She said that if I left Loomis with one real friend, I should count myself lucky. I do have one person I keep in touch with, but in my life out here I have more than a few real friends, good friends, close friends, and when I see that clearly, there is no insecurity or worry about my self or my life that can touch it.
I think what I'm experiencing at the moment is stability, rather than stagnation. I'm pretty happy, and connected to the world; the best I can describe it is that I'm just not excited. The weeks fly by, I fill my time with interesting stuff, but I don't notice things changing over time, just the strengthening of my relationships, and maybe some deep unseen change in myself that I can't comprehend. With no girlfriend and a steady job and a quiet home, there is a lack of tumult and movement in my life that has me a little nervous. Usually by this time I've created some tumult to keep myself occupied, whether it's good for me or not. Something's different this time...the silence is telling me something important, and I want to listen.
"You're growing up," she said.
"Yes," I said. "I am."
She smiled. "And you hate every minute of it."
"Shut up!", I said. But I was smiling too.
Endless blessings on the loves in our lives who know us so disturbingly well. Conversations like that one are why we're here.