It pays to do your reading ahead of time.
I realize that I only tire myself out...any drama I'm experiencing really doesn't extend outside my head. I can see that, but it seems to be part of a process I don't quite understand, as I dig deeper to find something I need, I'm not sure what. The spirit, will, anima to keep moving forward in a less hazy manner than I have been, since...I dunno when. Certainly since the loved one and I separated, but even before that. Like I'm casting about looking for a key or something, a catalyst to startle me into being in a good mood. But there's no key. Sometimes I get the most horrible inertia--I'll be on my way to aikido and my feet get heavier and I get sleepier as I reach the frame of the door. What matters, the catalyst, is to take that extra step out the door, me and my lead feet and my dojo bag, and go train again. In fact, don't even think about training. Get in the car. Then get to the street, then the dojo. That one extra step.
There's not a magical key to having relationships and making connections with people. It's just being relaxed, open, and truly willing--it's just being engaged with the world, moving with it, talking and listening to it. Everything necessary arises in that freedom.
I was bitching to myself as I headed down 880 towards the San Mateo Bridge, about my car's anti-lock brakes--at least, I hope they're anti-lock brakes, because otherwise something is horribly wrong with them. Not bitching about anything in particular, they're just unfamiliar and I've spent a lifetime on ordinary brakes, thank you very much, and what if I'm in a parking lot and for fun I want to put the car into a slide? It turns out they're rather good at stopping the car--on the onramp to 92 westbound, there was a 3-car accident on both sides of the road, and a couple of ambulances.
The universe is talking.