I am tired. It's having an almost psychedelic effect, at the moment. Strange energy flows as I let my head flop over and then it comes back up because I'm actually awake.
I don't really sleep much nowadays. Or I don't feel like I do. 4-6 hours a night, generally, which isn't near enough given that I go work for seven to nine hours straight and often drive an hour to go fall on the floor for an hour or two. Even the work part requires more sleep than I get.
I'm managing, though, and the experience of that, and summoning up energy to spend time with friends, is fascinating. A recurring theme in my experience has been that something will reach a sort of plateau, or a seeming ending, and then all of a sudden it keeps going in a new and interesting dimension. This has happened with various friendships (especially one in particular where sex will never, ever be an option), with aikido, with software engineering, and with these low-sleep endurance marathons. Just when I feel like I'm about to pass out, I don't (although I would like to and that would probably be healthier) and I'm able to do something else. I see the world a bit differently in this state: things can seem a little skewed somehow. But in the experience of being me, I'm often reduced to a simple state of being relaxed and open, because I don't have the energy for anything else. It's an uncomplicated mindset--I can only focus on what I'm doing, which is more my habit nowadays anyway, but I can't worry or think too much.
I'm not describing this very well.
I did my taxes tonight, and I'm less screwed than I was afraid of. I only owe $1000 instead of $3000, and I get about $400 back from California (and the IRS still owes me $900 from 1999). No big deal--I supported myself last year, mostly, although I'd be thoroughly fucked now if I hadn't found a job. I managed to make a living and even have some fun doing it. Nothing to sneeze at in this economy, which was (in my opinion) worse last year.
Time to keel over.