Holy crap, I'm tired. I woke up at four-thirty this morning, which is definitely a record for this whole experience of my subconscious waking me up at unholy hours. I'm not sure if you really know how early 0430 is, or what it's like to go to bed at 11:30pm and hope to sleep a long time and then just suddenly be awake and alert with a very long day ahead of you.
I had my usual dissociated "I want to cry and go back to sleep" reaction, and gave a friend an earful of negative feelings--luckily she's nice and knows there's always more to it than that. I got to work at eight, which was vaguely disturbing to people used to seeing me somewhere around 9:30. Work is a strange place in many ways.
Big Jeff mentioned he found my journal, so it just occurred to me to check Google--turns out I'm the second result for chris doherty aikido, and the only result if you make my name a literal string. That does shoot down some of the anonymity here, since I ramble about aikido to anyone who asks and plenty of people who don't. And a Google search is a natural thing to do these days with people you know. Eventually someone at work will find this, which is mostly okay, since nothing here should get me fired, and they see me get work done and how I feel underneath that shouldn't affect their confidence in my ability to do stuff. Well, it might. But this is the year I decided to be myself and the rest of the world can go suck an egg if they don't like it, and I don't have a whole lot of energy to keep all my worlds separate indefinitely, even if I wanted to.
I bought a couple more CDs last night. In my defense I'd like to say that Amoeba Music stands with Rasputin as instruments of Satan designed to get me to buy more music. I bought John Mayer's double live CD, which is okay and I think will grow on me, and Alexi Murdoch's EP, mainly for this song, although it's a solid-if-quiet disc in general. Worth $7, certainly, to support an independent musician.
I'm impressed by the degree to which I can use indifference as an emotional defense mechanism, even just in the conversations with myself. I get all cranky and say that I don't care. Except I do, and I'm glad now to be able to see clearly enough to know that I care, and not go telling people that I don't as if that's what I'm really feeling.
I've now been up for 19 hours with a 10-20 minute nap, so it's time to sign off.