unvarnished, medium-strength ass.

The word "aggravate" traditionally means "to make worse". At some point long ago people started using it to mean "irritate", which is how I originally heard it (from my parents, when I was young, since I was both irritating and aggravating and clearly one adjective was not enough in any case). It's always irritated me, ever since I found out what it really means; to aggravate the situation, it's now listed in dictonaries as a colloquial synonym for "irritate." This is how language changes, I guess. I'm amused that it bugs me.

I feel worse today than yesterday, much of it having to do with waking up at some unholy hour, like 6am, which wouldn't be half so bad if I could fall asleep at 10pm instead of 1:30am, but I can't. The reason seems to be that there's so much stuff processing in my mind that when I reach the end of a sleep cycle and get close to consciousness, instead of falling back into another cycle, my mind gets really active and I just wake up. Regular zazen would probably help, because regular zazen helps everything. But I don't do it, and instead I try to practice through the day as I do each individual thing, without getting distracted or daydreaming or anything. It makes a difference, and hey, we do what we're able.

I've had several days of practice in the past week of finding a way to be cranky and/or pissy within the framework of the relaxed, stable stillness that is essential to not feeling like shit. In fact this week I'm also getting some practice in how to feel somewhat hurt and angry in that framework, and I'm pleased to report that it works quite well, I'm free to feel hurt, angry, and pissy all at once, and that's really okay and even if I'm not smiling, my face is just relaxed and not actively scowling (among other things, I'm lazy and that takes energy). Work's been a wee bit frustrating, so tomorrow I will likely continue today's practice of pounding randomly on my desk and cursing repeatedly. Rob the Uberboss spoke to me I think three or four times today, which is a lot more than usual unless I say hi to him first: he's usually really busy shielding us from the rest of the company. Since I'm not in trouble, I take it as a sign that I'm slowly integrating into the team (and he's probably a little less busy).

I feel a little like Charlie Brown waiting to see if Lucy's really going to take the football away this time. I feel like maybe I went looking for trouble and found it (trouble is always there when you want it, like the opposite of a really bad waiter). Fun trouble, but still trouble, as I've left a chunk of my life in the hands of others, and I don't know what's going on or how decisions are being made or problems resolved. They don't have me, though, and they never will. Never.

I feel almost disposable, in a way, and like I don't have input into the situation (which is valid, because I pretty much don't). I've made women feel that way in the past; turnabout is fair play, karma's a bitch, and everyone loves irony, and it's really all just a part of being human and trying to have relationships with each other and I can't really be genuinely bitter about it. I'm just so tired I've been wanting to curl up in a ball and cry all day (which is how I feel when I have to wake up too early--happened when I went skiing as a kid, too). I was active and doing stuff for about 14 hours straight after getting up. I am one tired little kid.

I know, I weigh 210 pounds and I'm not little and never will be again. Shut up. This is my journal. Go nitpick metaphors in your own damn journal.

They're all good days. But the people who think that means you should be happy all the time are the same idiots who enjoy those fucking motivational posters. I hate those motivational posters. I go for bitter-funny over sickly-sweet. There's wisdom in the bitter-funny, in the mockery and the satire and the keeping a perspective, it's just a job, no one is paying you enough to kill yourself working. One of my many visions of Hell involves Muzak versions of Celine Dion songs.

So there, I'm cranky, I'm irritated, my feelings are hurt, I have little sense of emotional security in my love life, and I bet I'm STILL happier and laughing more than you are. HAH.


Bloody hell. Bed. Now.