I think today has completed this week's status of "bad", as I realize that when the shit comes down for my 2001 taxes, I'm going to be liable for many, many, many hundreds of dollars on the contract work I did earlier in the year--not just the income tax, but double the normal Social Security and Medicare deductions, since I get to pay the employer's share. Mother fucker.

And at dinner tonight I caught myself being disingenuous about the breakup, to make myself look and/or feel better about it. The target was someone I like and respect a great deal, so the best I could do was to send this person an email when I got home explaining apologizing and telling them what I should have said, which is that I did a whole bunch of dishonest and disrespectful things that made life difficult/miserable/impossible. I doubt it matters much to this person, but it was gnawing at me, and things typically don't stop gnawing at me once they start.

I also had a mental clash with one of the senior students during practice. I almost lost my balance on top of him, which is bad: I weigh around two hundred pounds, which is more than enough to break someone's rib or ankle if I fall on them. I had also accidentally poked him in the face, and that's what I was cognizant of, so when he grabbed my gi and said "Dammit, don't hurt people by accident, move at a pace you can control", it ticked me off a bit and really threw me off center, because I don't really respond to aggression well, and I felt that he had lost his temper. I talked to him after class and we hashed it out--I hadn't realized that my losing my balance was the problem and not poking him in the face (which is just something that happens, and it's rare that it's a real problem), but he had made a conscious decision to be that aggressive. It was good to know both that he hadn't lost his temper (he is dauntingly powerful and if he couldn't keep himself under control then it's not good to practice with him, to say nothing of intimidating) and that he had realized immediately that that was the wrong tack with me, even before I told him that he could just say things and I would understand them, there was no need to grab me. So eventually we understood each other's concerns; he won't try to teach me with aggression, I will be more careful about keeping my body under control. I'm still a bit off-center from that (and really severely off-center from everything else), but it'll be fine.

On the bright side I managed to follow the advice of Brandon, one of the black belts, and finally do rolls from a sitting position without hurting my shoulders. So I have something good to practice and probably fairly soon I'll be able to do rolls without any problems. And I found out another move I'll have to do on my 6th kyu test ("It's not on the sheet I gave you, but you'll have to do it"). And I'm holding up really well to training every day. Quads are a little sore, but my neck actually feels better, like all the stretching and strengthening is fixing whatever is messed up with the neck muscles connecting to the trapezius muscles (hard-to-reach and hard-to-stretch muscles running from under your shoulder blades toward your spine, and mine have been giving me trouble for years upon years). I think in general my body feels better than it ever has, including when I was diving in high school; and it feels better every week. Also I got my Massachusetts tax return in the mail, so it will be postmarked by the 28th (when, as I think of it, I actually have jury duty).

But I'm still unemployed and I can't find a job and I've only got eight more weeks of unemployment and I'm going to owe the government a fuckton of money and I'm still messed up and not being honest and blah blah blah...

There are times to go to bed early, and this is one of them.