It's always such a shame when an organization that could have done some good just gets stupid. Which is not to say I think they're entirely wrong in this case: I've heard various things about cow's milk that make me wish there were research that wasn't funded by either the National Milk Board or Vegans Working to Overthrow the Government. But they're usually wrong and usually stupid, especially in this case.
I did actually make it to bed early last night, around 0030, and then woke up this morning around 0830. Just yesterday I was noticing how short the day is when you don't get out of bed until noon; today I realized that in fact I don't really have anything I should be doing with the extra three or four hours. I guess I do: I should clean my room, get my car's oil changed and the interior cleaned, I need to file my 1999 Massachusetts tax return (I got the forms printed and started tonight), and the ever-present Looking For Work. That last tends to have a flailing sense of futility about it, though...experience has left me pessimistic, especially in the case of just sending off resumes in response to ads. Generally I think I'm having a good day if I can manage to putter around the house and wash the dishes without feeling a need to curl up in a ball on my bed.
For all that, I'm going to turn down a job lead tomorrow. It's a consultant gig; I met such a consultant when I flew out here in June 1999, on the "nerd bird" flight from Chicago to San Jose. Every Monday morning he flew out, and Friday evening he flew home. I asked if that didn't make it impossible to maintain relationships, and he said he saw people on weekends. I believe he also billed at something like $300-500 an hour, and although the consulting company takes a cut, no doubt he took home an awful lot of cash. This lead I have seems to be a similar deal, involving up to 100% travel. Project times are three months to a year, so I could be three months in San Francisco, or a year at 100% in, say, Tampa. I'm not quite ready for that, I think. I'm not yet desperate enough for work to put that stress on all my relationships right now, especially aikido, which I've just started and which I feel is really important to me.
This is my current favorite song (about 4MB, but well worth a listen). Check out the lyrics--this is poetry. And the music is so, so, sweet--just listen to the guitar lick that's slightly off the beat, the way the song has a soft but insistent groove that matches the words. It's gentle without being boring, without losing any energy. His voice is perfectly suited to it, firm but with a bit of airiness that lends a quality of whisper to it, again matching the lyrics.
Sigh.
Something's happened in the past couple of weeks (beyond that I'm gaining muscle and slowly losing fat [in order to lose fat more quickly I'd have to be better about changing my diet, which I haven't been]). It's not that things hurt less, or that I'm less overwhelmed by the feelings of loss from the breakup, or the guilt and regret of the various dishonest and unhealthy things I did to cause it. But something is coalescing, re-integrating somehow. As if all the deep feelings on the bottom are re-connecting with my conscious mind on top, like maybe I can identify and manage my emotions better; and something about me, something that is me, might be coming back together and re-emerging. I don't know, I don't understand what's happening.