la la la.

I've been feeling yesterday and today like my mind is disintegrating. I've felt this before, but this is worse, and it feels very close to total dissociation (which would be some kind of blackout or catatonia as a defense mechanism against...who knows what). This creates the urge for the only neural anaesthetic with any effect: alcohol.

This whole "desire to drink" thing is pretty recent, in the past few weeks, and directly traceable to life's events, which, for the record, suck pretty wholeheartedly. I'm not real thrilled about it, but on the other hand it's a conscious choice whether to drink or not. Tonight, while it would be easier and probably more pleasant to get drunk, I want to make the choice not to drink, and I want to understand what's happening in my head.

So I'm watching TV and eating cookies and trying to maybe get some work done, and thinking I want to go to bed relatively soon because I am very tired. I was already kinda tired when I went to aikido, and now having exercised I am nearly ready to fall asleep. I'm kind of feeling better mentally, which is probably a good thing, but may make it a little harder to figure out what was going on today.

I'm going to Santa Barbara on Sunday, which should be a good change of location; I hope I can do some work down there, because I've been unable to focus recently.